Homeless Encounter

In the warmth of the South Boulder ATM I encounter three homeless men with all their worldly belongings, sheltering from the cold. I don't feel unsafe getting my cash; they seem harmless. They remind me of someone I loved who was homeless for a while. One of them is struggling with a stuck coat zipper.

“Do you know anything about zippers?” he queries, and the others go very still for a moment. But I’m pretty sure the question is innocent.

“Bring it all the way down first and then work it back up,” I say inanely although the real stuck zipper solution is of course more complex. It is very cold, and snow lies heavy on the ground. A broken coat zipper can be a real issue for people living outside. “Do you guys have some place to go tonight—the shelter?”

“Oh yeah,” they all assure me.

“I’ve seen worse than this weather in New Orleans,” says the one with the flushed face and the southern accent. “This is nothing compared to that!”

“Well I saw pigs after a tornado,” says the one standing nearest me, his eyes wide. “Lots of dead pigs after the wind, their legs up in the air.”

“I grew up in Indiana – I’ve seen tornadoes too,” I say.

The quietest hunkering tiredly in the corner nods and says, “I’m from West Texas, and I’ve seen tornadoes too.”

“I got it!” says the guy with the stuck zipper, and indeed the zipper now slides smoothly.
I pause before leaving, and the West Texan lies, “Don’t worry. We’re fine. Just waitin’ for a ride.” There is no discussion of money. I walk away remembering a coat I bought long ago for another homeless guy who lost it the next winter. But I would like to believe that for a time it gave him warmth.

Blizzard of 2006

Here in Boulder we are digging out from under the blizzard of 2006, with more than two and a half feet of snow on the ground from Wednesday’s storm.

The tiny lighted deer under the maple tree previously mentioned in my Christmas Letter are a little worse for wear. The one who lifts his head as if to sniff the air is now up to his neck in white stuff, and the one who grazes under the tree looks like she’s performed a face plant in a snowdrift.

Enchanting as all the snow is, it has caused some major headaches in the metro area, with DIA closed down and all the roads impassible. Digging out is hard work for 50-somethings; Mark and I are nursing our sore muscles and backs after a couple of days of it. The local news shows feature stories of good Samaritans driving around in their all-terrain vehicles rescuing stranded motorists. I finally understand all those truck commercials during the football games—the ones that feature manly men in their very large trucks exuding strength and competence. That’s a lot easier to do if you have the right truck—and it feels good to be strong enough to help other people out. Let’s hear it for random acts of kindness. As Martha Stewart would say, “It’s a good thing.”

Presents

I have known my husband for almost 35 years. But it is only yesterday when we were selecting paper to have some books gift-wrapped that I learned the most important criterion from his standpoint for Christmas wrap. It must be shiny, foil-laced, and capable of reflecting light. Then the gifts under the lighted tree will have that special magic glow (think Ralphie in "A Christmas Story). He takes the same approach when placing ornaments on the Christmas tree, often lingering to perfectly place the ornaments with many faceted centers near lights for the added sparkle.

I am not very inspired at gift giving, and have to rely on madly entering ideas into my Blackberry as they fall from the lips of my loved ones throughout the year. Usually by December I have a pretty good list (you didn’t think I was one of those people who starts shopping before December, did you?).

My husband is famously unschooled in gracious gift reception. In fact, in October he actually got a “Worst-Case Scenario Birthday Card” with helpful principles on what to say when you have just received yet another sincere yet ill-conceived gift from your wife or children. “Do not lie,” and “Thank the giver for the thought, not the gift,” are two of these basic concepts. Supporting phrases are also provided such as “I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”

My personal best when it comes to a Christmas present for my husband was the year I surprised him with a Fender Stratocaster guitar and amplifier. He was absolutely not expecting this gift, and it turned out to be just what he wanted. He still can’t tell me how much it means to him, in fact.

Merry Christmas to everybody out there who is celebrating it - and don't forget to have fun giving gifts.

How I Stay Sane, Part III - Feeling Good

Once during a therapy session I was asked what my goal for therapy was. “I just want to consistently feel good about myself,” I said. Easier said than done sometimes.

The book “Feeling Good” by David D. Burns, M.D. talks about the voices in your head. You know, the nasty little whispers and mutters about how you’re going to fail, you always fail, because you’re an impostor who inexplicably fell into this role of responsibility, certainly not because you earned it or know what you are doing, and everybody thinks you’re in over your head, etc. etc. etc.

Dr. Burns writes about a concept called “Cognitive Therapy.” The idea is that you can change how you feel by noticing and altering your thinking patterns. In particular, he recommends that you focus on forms of “distorted thinking.” For example, it is one thing to acknowledge that you have failed in some way (and ideally learn from the mistake and move on)—it is quite another to make the leap that you are a failure and to label yourself as a failure. This kind of exaggerated, catastrophic thinking is guaranteed to make you feel bad. If you can first recognize these types of feelings and then argue yourself out of them, you are on the way to feeling good.

Another kind of distorted thinking is “mind reading” – when you are sure that a friend, family member or co-worker is angry with you, or disappointed in you, or sad because of you, with no real evidence of this.

One of the ones I am an expert at is personalization – where I blame myself for things not in my realm of responsibility and take on ownership for all manner of things that have nothing to do with me. In other words, it is all about me – I knew it, I knew it.

Not only does Dr. Burns go over each of these types of “cognitive distortions,” but also he discusses in great detail, with lots of practical suggestions and worksheets, and stories and examples, how to fight off these “automatic thoughts” with rational responses – what I think of in my own case as “talking back to myself.” I strongly recommend this book – it has made a big different in how I respond to events in my life.

How I Stay Sane, Part II – The Four Agreements

After reading the excellent book, “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom” by don Miguel Ruiz, I can often regain my sanity in tense or anxious moments by asking myself four questions and working through the answers. The book describes the concept that we are laboring under “agreements” about reality that frame the way we view our life. These may be negative agreements about ourselves – for example, “I am a failure,” or “I’m not very attractive,” or “The world is basically against me.” If we can replace these negative agreements with more positive ones about how we choose to perceive the world, we have a greater hope for inner peace and serenity. The four general principles or agreements that can lead to a saner life are:

1. Speak impeccably. In other words, don’t gossip, don’t spread untruth, consider more often the option of silence rather than speaking negatively or excessively.
2. Don’t take things personally. It is not all about you. Typically, other people’s actions are not centered around you, caused by you, or your fault, but are driven by their own inner consciousness and have nothing to do with you. (I am always amazed at the incredible depth and complexity inside each human being, so much more than can be seen from the surface. Sometimes when I am walking in a crowded place like an airport, I am in awe of the variety and complexity of individuals surrounding me and incredible value in each human being I encounter. There is so much more there than we can ever know.)
3. Don’t make assumptions. Do not assume that you understand the motivations of another individual. When in doubt, come right out and ask. Communication almost always increases understanding between people and makes tense situations better.
4. Do your best. This means that you strive to neither under perform in laziness, nor over perform to the point where there is no balance in life and burnout follows. Find the best balance for sustainable effort in all you strive to do.

Many times when I’ve been stressed, hurt, anxious, or downright afraid about either work or home situations, I have applied the above four agreements and immediately found myself freed from obsessive negative feelings and recognizing ways to move forward.

How I Stay Sane, Part I - The Power of Now

A few years ago, when the tensions of both family and work seemed to be at a peak, I discovered a book by Ekhart Tolle called "The Power of Now." It has helped me many times since then. The key lesson of this book is to focus on the “Now,” – that is, the present. The idea is that a huge amount of energy is wasted in obsessing on the past or the future. Sometimes there are regrets for things left unsaid or undone in the past, or mistakes made. Other times there is either a longing for a future goal, or fear about what the future might hold. The point is there is nothing a person can do about either the past or the future. The only time is Now. An amazing grace of calm and serenity can be found when you take a big breath and focus on now, and only on what can be done right now. Of course, there are constructive thoughts to be had about both the past (learning from both failures and successes) as well as the future (planning and setting positive goals). But when I am unhappy or anxious, I try to take a deep breath and remember to ask myself: “Are you in the Now? Can anything be done about this right Now?”

Urban Hikes in Boulder

A few years ago my husband and I discovered the joys of urban hikes. We live in Boulder, Colorado, which is an extremely pedestrian-friendly city. Bike and pedestrian paths with underpasses make navigating intersections a breeze, and of course the constant view of the Flatirons against a Colorado blue sky makes our walks even more enjoyable.

We freeze a little water in the bottom of two Nalgene water bottles, so that when we fill them with water they stay nice and cold, and carry everything we need on our backs. Often we will take care of errands, small purchases, even grocery shopping and wine purchases for dinner on foot during our urban hikes.

The very best part about it, though, is the conversation. Topics range far and wide from the state of the world and country, to the state of our children off at college, to my frustrations and successes at work. It is our best time to share with each other and often the walks will last three hours or more. Boulder has numerous great restaurants, so we will often have lunch out along the way.

We live in South Boulder and can easily head straight up into the foothills from our house and walk the Chautauqua trails behind the National Institute for Science and Technology buildings. Or we can walk through various neighborhoods to get to the brand new 29th Street Mall for lunch at L’s. Or we can head through the CU campus and down the big hill to walk the famous Pearl Street Mall.

When we visit other cities we always wish for the same walker-friendly environment there, since it is a great way to really see a town or city, but we rarely find it. If you know of a good walking town, post a comment and let me know.

Ghosts of Christmas Past

"It wore a tunic of the purest white, and round its waist was bound a lustrous belt, the sheen of which was beautiful. It held a branch of fresh green holly in its hand; and, in singular contradiction of that wintry emblem, had its dress trimmed with summer flowers. But the strangest thing about it was that from the crown of its head there sprung a bright clear jet of light, by which all this was visible...
'Are you the Spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me.' asked Scrooge.
'I am.' The voice was soft and gentle. Singularly low, as if instead of being so close beside him, it were at a distance.
'Who, and what are you.' Scrooge demanded.
'I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.'
'Long Past.' inquired Scrooge: observant of its dwarfish stature.
'No. Your past.'"
- A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens

Long ago I couldn't understand people who became sad at Christmastime. It was a happy, delightful time! Why would it make anybody sad?

I understand better now. As the years go by, people from the past are no longer with us, but they still inhabit our memories, no more strongly than at Christmas. Regret at things unsaid, at memories and history lost, haunt us. Christmas becomes a contradiction of sad and happy, summer and winter, youth and age.

As trite as it might sound: Replace the sad memories with the happy ones and live in the present. This is my mantra.

The Christmas Letter, written December 2

It is snowing in Boulder today with more than a foot already on the ground. The tiny, lighted deer graze under the maple tree in the front yard, looking like they have thrown thick white fur overcoats across their shoulders to keep warm. The multi-colored lights framing the front porch glow softly beneath the snow. This year we’ve had several visits from real deer, more often than ever before. One large rogue buck with huge antlers and a large tag proclaiming him to be #90 has spent much quality time in our back yard, nipping off the heads of all the roses in a feeding frenzy. paying no mind at all to our objections. Teams of wildlife service people have shown up with their radio frequency devices to track #90 and verify his location for their records.

I have begun my yearly practice of singing Christmas carols in the shower, in preparation for the annual caroling party, beginning with the lilting “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear” and moving toward a crescendo with “O Holy Night” and “Silent Night” as the traditional finale. Since this is my only effort at practice, I approach it with hybrid vigor, as my father might have said.

I also find myself humming a certain Joni Mitchell song called “The Circle Game.” You may remember it. The chorus: “And the seasons, they go round and round and the painted ponies go up and down. We’re captive on a carousel of time. We can’t return, we can only look behind from where we came, and go round and round and round in the Circle Game.”

I don’t know about you, but this time of year makes me think more about missing family members and friends. Sometimes we wish for one last conversation with them, so we can say those things we should have said. This perhaps reminds us to say those things while we can to the living.

I have learned (I hope) by this point to remember the best and most wonderful things. Lately I am remembering my brother Paul, who left us in May. Paul had a rough time over the last few years (and in trying to help him, so did I). But I remember the great joy with which he played his fiddle, and the huge energy he devoted to riding his beloved bicycle in the mountains, and the hilarious sense of humor he had when we spent an evening in the old days cooking barbecued ribs on our back porch and drinking beer. He did love singing the Christmas carols also. Let this paragraph be a small tribute to the best things in Paul.

Another thing I do this time of year is remind myself of how lucky we are. Caitlin has graduated from high school and moved on to Colorado State University in Fort Collins, where she is doing very well in school and also getting some experienced as a DJ with the local college radio station. Shannon continues as a junior at the University of Colorado in Boulder, also doing very well and working toward a degree in Integrative Physiology when he is not snowboarding.

Mark and I are in relatively good health and grateful for our cozy house and our love for each other on this cold winter’s day. We are heading out later to look for the perfect Christmas tree. Recently we have seen positive change in the country, and have a growing hope for a better direction in the coming years.

Much love to all of you with the wish that you will have a peaceful and loving holiday season.