Flying Solo

 

One realizes the many things one had help with,

Like rubbing cream into the dry spot on one’s back, completely out of reach.

Now one takes a bamboo back scratcher and

Covers it with a sock and 

Slathers the sock with moisturizer and

Manages the job.

Now one realizes it will be fine if some jars can’t be opened and 

Talks to oneself and the cat about many matters and

Works at the skill of cooking for one and

Checks thrice that the doors are locked before retiring and

Stretches out in the bed that has long been a solo operation anyway and

Manages eventually to sleep.

One worries about falling and

Does slow, gentle yoga to get stronger and

Practices balancing on one foot and

Hires help for the snow shoveling and

Discovers the fellow who shovels at the door one cold morning

Hand over heart, asking how one is “holding up.”

Neighbors and friends, too, check in on the “holding up” question

And one realizes that after all it’s a comfort that people care.

One musters the courage to drive everywhere and

Discovers it’s doable after all and

Likes the convenience of driving across town to one’s appointments

Rather than always taking the bus.

One gets the smaller Christmas tree and fewer poinsettias and

Considers procuring smaller ornaments and

Tries not to cry in front of one’s children

Lest they think one is about to crash and burn on this solo flight.

One realizes there is a vast reservoir of strength,

Steely strength

The kind of strength that allows one to push out a baby or two and

Lose a third

And one draws on this strength and remembers to breath and eat and sleep and

Notice the winter sunsets, still glowing and glorious though

One is flying solo.

Freedom

Yesterday, Lui Xiaobo was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.  “Who the heck is that?” you may ask.  He is a courageous Chinese dissident and one of the authors of Charter 08, a manifesto published in the People’s Republic of China in December 2008.  Charter 08 demands freedom and democracy for the Chinese people.  Lui Xiaobo will not easily enjoy the prize money since he is serving year two of an eleven-year prison sentence in China as a result of Charter 08’s publication.

I found the English translation of Charter 08 on a website called Human Rights in China (HRIC).  The document outlines 19 demands for democratic change—concepts we take all too much for granted in the U.S. including an independent judiciary, a guarantee of human rights,  freedom of association, assembly, expression and religion, and election of public officials.  The Chinese government is quite unhappy with the Norwegian Nobel Committee for awarding this prize and has warned Norway formally that this act will “pull the wrong strings” in the relationship between the two countries.

Since I work closely with people who live in China I take great interest in the changes that country is now undergoing.  The people I work with are like anybody else—they want to earn a decent living and provide the best they can for themselves and their families.  We do not talk about dissidence since they could risk imprisonment.  But I believe in them and like them, and I think I see signs of an awakening to the desire for these long-denied freedoms.  The Chinese people have been through many trials but they will overcome; it is time.  Charter 08 says it very well:

“After experiencing a prolonged period of human rights disasters and a tortuous struggle and resistance, the awakening Chinese citizens are increasingly and more clearly recognizing that freedom, equality, and human rights are universal common values shared by all humankind, and that democracy, a republic, and constitutionalism constitute the basic structural framework of modern governance. A “modernization” bereft of these universal values and this basic political framework is a disastrous process that deprives humans of their rights, corrodes human nature, and destroys human dignity. Where will China head in the 21st century? Continue a “modernization” under this kind of authoritarian rule? Or recognize universal values, assimilate into the mainstream civilization, and build a democratic political system? This is a major decision that cannot be avoided.”

In other words, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness...”

We live in interesting times.  Right on, China.

Are Optimistic People Just Plain Stupid?

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about a difficult challenge at work and the next thing I was going to try to meet this challenge. And she made it abundantly clear that she believed I was hopelessly naïve to think I could have any power to influence the outcome, since this is just The Way Things Are.

I myself have moments of cynicism, believe it or not. My boss told me awhile ago that I “tend to assume the worst,” not the greatest opinion for your boss to have of you. But despite his opinion, for the most part I believe I am optimistic about having a shot at influencing the outcome in many situations, and that it's worth my effort to try. I reason that if I give up, assume it’s hopeless, and don’t even try, the outcome will be pretty predictable and I’ll regret not having tried harder. So I continue to continue.

Cases exist where this is insane, of course. There are cases where I’m expecting others to change their basic DNA, for example. The only thing in the end that I have control over is my own actions and reactions. I can make an effort to influence others and I may or may not succeed. But if I trudge forward over the same ground again and again without success, at some point it morphs from perseverance to stupidity. Deciding when that point has arrived is a matter of perception, judgment, and wisdom.

God, grant me

The serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

And of course, the wisdom to know the difference can be the hardest part. Things I cannot change:

• Everybody dies

• Everybody makes their own choices and each choice has consequences

• “All lies and jest, still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.” The Boxer, Paul Simon

Things I can change:

• How I live my life before I die

• How loving I am to other people before they die

• How I react to events that unfold. “There’s something lost and something gained in living every day.” Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchell

Be Not Afraid

Over the past many weeks I’ve had a severe case of blogger’s block which I am now working to overcome One Word at a Time. During this period I’ve been immobilized by an emotion that actually kept me from eating it was so bad (hardly anything can keep me from eating, more’s the pity). I even was losing weight for awhile. The emotion causing the loss of appetite was creating quite a hellish situation for me, with constant stomach twinges, depression, and more.

I got some time off from work over the Christmas break, and was able to gain enough perspective to realize that the emotion freezing me in my tracks was fear. Fear of the future, fear of failure, fear of the death of my loved ones, fear that people I respect will not respect me back, fear that am not worthy, fear of writing a blog that was boring or full of bullsh*t.

I’ve since been spending a lot of time analyzing this fear, how it lessened with a change of scene and routine, how focusing on the present moment can reduce fear, and how amazing it is to be trapped in your mind without the ability to step back and see how it is churning in unhealthy ways. Fear can keep you from enjoying life, from taking risks, from loving, from blogging. (My rule about my blog, for better or for worse, is that it cannot be personal day-to-day drivel and whining, but instead has to share something that might actually be useful or interesting to multiple other people. Normally this rule has not kept me silent, but clearly recently it has.)

Winston Churchill said: “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.”

So, here are my top 10 ways to stop being afraid:

10. Recognize that it is fear you’re feeling, and then try to articulate what it is that you fear.
9. Delve into the fear; take it to its ridiculous extreme. See the distortions and exaggerations in the fear.
8. Exposure yourself at every opportunity to the thing or activity you fear. Immersion in the fear will cause it eventually to lessen (especially good with things like fear of flying, fear of spiders, fear of public speaking).
7. Focus on what is happening right now this minute; be here and now. Look around - is there anything here and now that you fear?
6. Help somebody else with something. It is harder to be afraid when you are focused on helping somebody else.
5. Breathe.
4. Talk to somebody about your fear. When you start saying things out loud sometimes they are less scary.
3. If you have a cat, see if the cat will sit in your lap (they are finicky little things so good luck) and then pet the cat. It is hard to be as afraid when you are petting a cat. Full disclosure: Emily the cat is in my lap right now.
2. Get moving. Take a walk in the sunshine. Work out the fear.
1. Draw on spirit, if you have a spiritual focus. Consider the connectedness of all humans and how many of them are feeling much worse fear and anguish right now than you could possibly be feeling. Be grateful for everything you do have, as you breathe in the fear of all humans, and breathe out the hope that all may experience inner peace.

Do you have fear-bashing techniques I haven’t listed? Feel free to comment.

Expecto Patronum

In the celebrated J.K. Rawlings books about Harry Potter, one of the worst villains is the Dementor, a creature who feeds on happiness and positive emotions and sucks all hope and joy out of you, leaving behind only the coldest feelings of hopelessness and despair.

The remedy in the magical world of Harry Potter is a particular spell, Expecto Patronum, which when successfully performed invokes a silvery being call a Patronus filled with happiness and light – but who can feel no unhappiness and can therefore defend against the Dementors. The Patronus is an animal image, unique to each wizard or witch; Harry’s is a stag. The spell is difficult, and only successful if the wizard is strong enough to focus on one of his happiest thoughts or memories. Together the spell caster and the Patronus (Patronus is Latin for patron saint) are able to drive off the Dementors.

In the latest novel of the series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, one of the climactic scenes has Harry and his friends Ron and Hermione desperately attempting to cast the Expecto Patronum spell but being overwhelmed with grief and sadness by an army of Dementors. Then three friends show up with new hope and strength, and the six of them together are able to conjure their Patronum and overcome the Dementors. It is a parable about how strength of will and determination to push back thoughts of sadness and hopelessness can win out, sometimes only with the help of friends. Rawlings is said to have suffered from depression, and perhaps this was drawn from her own life.

Lately I've been battling depression and despair myself. I have found that it actually helps to utter the mantra Expecto Patronum from time to time. Mind over mind. Who knew.

I am a Warrior

I was doing my stretching exercises in front of the TV tonight and happened upon a show with Suze Orman, of all people, talking about Women and Money. She spoke passionately about how women undervalue themselves, take care of everyone else but themselves. She spoke about the eight characteristics of a wealthy woman. The characteristics included harmony and balance, generosity, happiness, wisdom, among others. The third characteristic she discussed was courage.

She talked about how she summons courage herself when times get tough—emphasizing that taking action is what helps one find courage. She says to herself: “You are a warrior and you are not to turn your back on the battlefield.”

That struck a chord with me; I think I say something similar to myself at times to muster the courage to speak up, object, recommend a different way, confront a bully, and more.

I am a warrior and I will not turn my back on the battlefield.