Empty Nests

On today's walk I found some branches and leaves scattered on the ground after last night's rainstorm.  And on the rough gray sidewalk an empty bird's nest caught my eye.  It was only later I saw the connection:  after several lovely visits and stays from grown children throughout the spring and summer, the house is now quite empty, our cat commandeering the guest room bed as her personal divan, and fall is fast approaching.

I'm pretty sure birds are unsentimental about their nests once the chicks have flown (as I'm fervently hoping was the case for this nest).  Humans are a bit more complicated: proud of the courageous and independent flying they observe, and yet a little melancholy all the same.

It's small compensation to know we're now free to indulge in various 60-something eccentricities:  strolling down the hallway stark naked after a shower, cooking new recipes that bubble ominously on the stove and later sliding inedible experiments unceremoniously from plate to compost bucket, having long heart-to-heart conversations with the cat about appropriate timing between treats and what effort ought to be made to earn those treats, mildly cursing the iPad when a Scrabble opponent plays an obscure word, having a tad too lengthy a couples conversation about various bodily emissions, reading for hours while eating popcorn, gelato or cheese, watching movies inappropriate for our age, attempting to learn one-footed Yoga positions from a DVD and teetering over, and other activities left to the reader's imagination.

The fledglings' imaginations will fill in the blanks deliciously; or more likely we will rarely cross their minds.  If all else fails we'll serve as horrible examples.  Is the image of an empty nest sad?  It represents those happy fledglings taking flight to go build their own nests. Mother birds have no choice but to rejoice, and breathe in the freedom.  Care for another Cheezit?

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

I've been hearing a lot about Amy Chua's book, interviews and articles on how and why Chinese mothers are different from Western mothers in their parenting style. In this excerpt from her book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," she describes an epic battle with her 7-year-old daughter in which she insists the girl practice her piano piece until she's got it right on the night before her next lesson, at a huge cost to the peace and psyche of the family. Her argument is that this is a demonstration of true parental devotion--based on her unshakeable faith that the kid can and will be able to achieve the goal.

When, after a night of screaming and denial of such comforts as supper, water and bathroom breaks, the daughter finally manages to play the piece correctly, she is so thrilled and happy with her achievement that she comes to her mother's bed to cuddle.

According to Amy Chua, Chinese mothers don't allow activities like sleepovers or watching TV--ever. All the more time to focus on the goal of perfect A's in all subjects (gym and drama exempted) and mastery of either piano or violin (no other choices allowed).

Western mothers, on the other hand, are overly focused on their child's self-esteem and don't possess the same unshakeable belief in the resiliency and strength of their children. They want to help each child find her true passion but, for the sake of a kid's happiness or self esteem, are unwilling to push and shove their kids past the inevitable early difficulties when learning a new concept or skill.

In the end Chua does show some balance in her viewpoints on parenthood, concluding with the comment that all decent parents act out of love for their children despite their different parenting styles. She says:

"Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away."

The above conclusion rings true for me in my own observations of the contrasts in the two cultures, but why can't these goals be combined by applying a balance of approaches to parenting, based on the kid and the situation on the ground? One size does not fit all; sometimes strict discipline is the right tool and at other times letting go and allowing a kid to stumble and learn from the consequences can be the better path. You've gotta play it as it lays, because parenting is much harder than blindly following one set of rules.

Parents, kids - what do you think?

10-20-10

 

It’s fall and the orange-red-yellow leaves against the electric blue sky always remind me of my daughter Caitlin, who was born on October 20, 1988.  I had an ultrasound before Cait was born since I was of a certain age.   At  the same time I got the good news that I was carrying a healthy baby, I was also thrilled to hear that I was going to be blessed with a daughter.  Since this was my second and last baby and the first was a son—it was the best news I could have heard.  I was so ecstatic that I actually developed a temporary appreciation for the color pink, never a favorite before this.I was close to my mother and as an adult I enjoyed many a good talk with her, often over a glass of sherry on the back deck at the family home on Sugar Lane in Indiana.  I very much wanted that same experience with a daughter of my own. 

 When Caitlin was born, on one of those beautiful autumn days we have in Boulder in October, she was already sporting a small fuzz of golden-red hair—a little surprising since neither M nor I have red hair though it does run in my family.  But why would we be surprised that our autumn girl would have hair with autumn colors?  Cait went through a few years when the hair was a challenge, sprouting out of her head in unruly glory, but eventually it grew into a gorgeous flow of golden red that is one of her best physical features today.

She's smart too, having inherited a scientific bent from her two great grandfathers who were both scientists, as well as my own mother who had a Masters degree in Botany and whose favorite subject as a fifth grade teacher was science. 

This winter Caitlin will graduate from CU with a degree in Biochemistry, and she’s working hard on an honors thesis to top of her undergraduate work.  She has shown great discipline, drive and courage in the face of the challenges this has presented her, and I’m excited for her and proud of her as she takes her next steps in the world.

Happy birthday, Caitlin!

Pay No Attention to That Man Behind the Curtain

One of the prime goals of parenting is to become utterly dispensable—to end up with kids who are independent and confident and who fearlessly question authority, including yours.  And an inevitable step on this path involves having your own kids realize your utter fallibility---the terrible truth that you are sometimes (may chance oftimes) dead wrong.

I’ve been thinking again (with love) about my own father, a strong personality and a man who did not easily admit error.  When he got an idea in his head it was almost impossible to change his thinking.  Even in my thirties I still avoided crossing him and put up with various eccentric and ill-advised behaviors from him rather than take that one giant step.

 

I’ve also been thinking about my ongoing battle with the voice in my head that relentlessly reminds me I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m an impostor, a failure, yada yada yada.  I recall the day when I proudly told my father I’d been promoted to director at work.  His initial reaction was undisguised disbelief.  He could not accept that I had managed to get this promotion or that I would be able to do the job without failing.

Now, many years later, it occurs to me that the voice in my head questioning the validity of every move I make is my father’s voice:  The Great and Powerful Oz.  And the terrible truth is that there was only a man behind the curtain, a man who was sometimes dead wrong himself, and man who was insecure in his own life and work, damaged by his own father’s disappointments and held back also by the culture of his time which had no room for the idea of a woman like me rising to such a role.

It’s a shock for a kid to finally admit that the parents are human.  Much as it was a shock for Dorothy and her companions to discover that the Wizard of Oz was not so great and powerful after all and they were going to have to find their own solutions to their various problems.  Here's hoping I applied some of what I learned to my own parenting role and to some decent degree restrained myself from excessive hovering, questioning, doubting and dominating.  I hope I’m doing a good job of letting my kids go, letting them rise to their individual occasions, allowing them to seize their autonomy and independence sooner rather than later.  We're not in Kansas anymore.

Are Men Less Adaptable?

M and I read and had much discussion about an article recently in the Atlantic called “The End of Men” by Hanna Roslin. It was about how American women (and actually women in other countries as well to some degree) have actually become the dominant gender in our culture in many ways. For example, more women are now managers in the US (although I can attest this is still not true in high tech). Moreover, countries who allow women to participate in business are measurably more successful financially than those who do not. More women than men are earning college degrees now; in fact, some private schools are so concerned about keeping the gender balance on campus that they’re applying a form of affirmative action and relaxing certain expectations so as to be able to accept more men.
Women are marrying much later in life and more women in their 20s are questioning the value of long-term relationships with men their age, not seeing these guys showing much readiness to be equal breadwinners. They are making sure they themselves can earn their own way and in many ways saying that they don’t need men to have happy, fulfilled lives.

I’ve lived most of my life in what used to be called a “role reversal”—my husband stayed home with the kids and I earned the money to support us all. (When I mention this arrangement to others it is amazing how many men say, “Oh—I always wanted to do that.”) At the time M wanted to write and believed he’d be able to find the time to do that at home and take care of the kids and run the household. Easier said than done, as any stay-at-home parent will confirm, but we were new parents and we didn’t know. I had entered high tech and was making a pretty good salary for that time, more than I’d expected to be making with a BA in English. My hopes to teach English in high school didn’t work out, since jobs in education were scarce back then.

Unlike many “Mr. Moms” I’ve heard about, M took the role very seriously—ran the household, did all the cleaning, planned and cooked all the meals in addition to raising our two children and making sure they got where they needed to go for pre-school, elementary school, piano lessons, softball practice and more in our trusty Dodge Caravan. M and I have always had a very equal relationship and made all our decisions in every area together. It has been a good partnership.

But I’m not sure most men are prepared to do that despite their expressions of interest in it, and I hear that many who have ended up unemployed at home while their wives work have not adapted in such a way as to pick up some of the housework and cooking so that work overall is equally shared. So in that case, the imbalance and unfairness is unacceptable, especially to young women these days who see their way clear to living completely independently of men and having complete freedom to do whatever they want whenever they want, including having children by themselves if they wish.

And if this is starting to happen as the norm it is a huge shift in culture.

Reinforcing this is what I have often observed over the years in my work--that when change and adjustment and adaptation to current conditions on the ground are needed, it is often a core group of women who step in, collaborate, help each other often reaching across organizational boundaries, finding the new path to make it happen.

Many reasons were offered in the article for why men are not the kings of the castle they used to be. Modern businesses call for more social intelligence, more collaboration and communication skills, to balance the competitiveness. Men turn too often to competition first and foremost, and do not seem to draw on the other skills where they would work best. Also, the suggestion is made in the article that men are less adaptive to the constant and inevitable change in business today than women are. More men than women are unemployed these days since some of the hardest hit job categories are primarily male-oriented, construction and manufacturing for example. And when men find themselves booted out of a job that then completely disappears, they seem less able to see the paths to reinvent themselves, to adapt to new careers and learn new skills.

You might think, as a woman, I’m glad to see this. But I’m not. My long-time relationship with M is based on equality, respect, and a refusal to be boxed in by assumptions about what our roles should be. In other words, we have both adapted and continue to adapt to a wide variety of changes and this is why we are still a happy couple. That is not to say we haven’t had our difficulties and had to adjust to major changes (the empty nest is so very empty at times, not to mention the changes that deaths in the family can bring). But we have continued to make it work and learned a lot along the way. I hope my son and daughter both find someone they can share this kind of relationship with. I also want them both to be able to have strong, productive careers that give them satisfaction and the feeling they have accomplished good work.

Meanwhile, gentlemen, please don’t underestimate what women have to offer-- and how about paying us an equal wage for equal work? That would be a good change.

24

Today I have a son who is 24 years old.  He’s many things including a mountain climber and a risk-taker—and he loves Boulder.  I know well that he also has a growing wanderlust and I would predict road trips and other adventures in the not so distant future.  Neil Young really had it right:

Old man, look at my life

Twenty-four and there’s so much more

Live alone in a paradise

That makes me think of two.

Love lost, such a cost.

Give me things that don’t get lost

Like a coin that won’t get tossed

Rolling home to you…

                              Neil Young

When I was 24 it was 1977.  Just a few months before my September birthday, M and I had packed everything we owned (mainly books, a typewriter and two guitars) into a tan square-backed VW and moved ourselves from Bloomington, Indiana (where at the time both cheap housing and jobs were in scarce supply) to Boulder, Colorado, mainly to follow our dream of living near the mountains.  I had graduated two years before.  We left everything behind in Indiana—all our friends, our family, our low-paying jobs, the abundant green of Hoosier woods, the orange-red of the Indiana fall.  I am surprised now that we had the courage to make such a monumental change, but at the time it seemed like exactly the right move.  We did have each other, after all.

It was May.  We were blessed with warm, summery weather and we had no idea how lucky we were about that—we camped in a tent for a week at the Wagon Wheel Campground up Four-Mile Canyon, and then we found rooms in a house on the corner of Arapahoe and Lincoln, right across from the public library.

Our housemate was a very strange ex-Californian named Peter, who was older than he wanted us to think, and who had been writing a screenplay for many years.  He was short, blond and tanned, and looked like a misplaced stubby little surfer.  His mother was wealthy and he seemed to have a limited but steady income from his mother to follow whatever dreams he might have.  He had once been a member of a cult on the West Coast, the subject of the screenplay.

We weren’t in Indiana anymore.

The year we came to Boulder a lot of construction was going on along a street called Pearl; they were building some kind of new-fangled outdoors mall where the street would be closed off for a few blocks and only pedestrians would be allowed. 

We were both writing a lot—M in longhand, I with my trusty little electric typewriter that my grandfather had given me when I started college.  We’d saved up enough money to not have to work for at least a couple of months.  It was a time of shining hope and vast optimism.  Ten years, later, Shannon, you were already one year old.  Happy 24th ! 

May your hands always be busy

May your feet always be swift

May you have a strong foundation

When the winds of changes shift

May your heart always be joyful

And may your song always be sung

May you stay forever young

                              Bob Dylan

Independence Day

As M suspected, it was sunny up in Breckenridge this morning, despite being gloomy in Boulder.  We drove west on 70 across The Great Divide and when we emerged from the Eisenhower Tunnel, as if we had journeyed from Kansas to the Land of Oz, we had blue sky and a 4^th of July parade, which was in full swing down Main Street with Corvettes, flags, kids, dogs and firemen.  The folks of Breckenridge do have the USA spirit. 

After quite a bit of searching we finally located our favored Breckenridge independent coffeehouse, The Crown, and found a great seat in an alcove just inside the front door with a fine view of the red-white-and-blue hubbub continuing on the street below.  The Crown has antique mirrors set into carved dark wooden hutches and four stone cupids mounted in a row on one wall and two crystal chandeliers. It is a fine place any time of the year.

On our way back to the car later we passed firemen in the middle of the still blocked off Main Street letting groups of thrilled children handle fire hoses, each group pointing at the other and just close enough to get everybody a bit wet. 

Parades are different now than they were when I was a kid.  Today parades have lots of shiny red and blue streamers and glitter and decorated high tech baby strollers and Corvettes.  When I was a kid, all the girls and women got together and spent many hours in the days leading up to the parade making flowers out of pastel Kleenex—you stacked together the tissues, tied them in the middle, then fluffed them out to make pale pink, green, blue or white blossoms.  These were painstakingly woven into the chicken wire shapes built over the vehicles used as the bases for the parade “floats.”  Then, on the day of the parade, the prettiest girls in school graced these floats, sitting high atop them in their pastel prom dresses and slowly waving to the crowd with white-gloved hands.  One girl got to wear the crown—having won the honor of being queen for a day.  Was I ever one of these girls?  No, I was on the sidelines wearing denim, peace symbols and a go-to-hell hat.

Also—we always had multiple marching bands in their uniforms playing Sousa and there were always pom-pom girls and baton twirlers and there was always a drum major leading the parade and marking time with his staff.  Humanitarian men called Shriners wearing red fezes drove little motorcycles in little circles along the parade route. 

Today, none of this was in evidence—nary a piccolo player nor a tuba blower nor a drummer nor a Shriner could be found.  But there was still a lot of hooting and cheering and American spirit, all the same.  The parade concluded with a spirited reading by a man dressed in 1776 garb.  When we first heard the voice coming over the loudspeaker I wondered whether we might be hearing a modern-day Tea Party diatribe, but in fact it turned out to be the actual  Declaration of Independence, indeed a radical document if you ever heard one.  Happy 4th of July! 

Are Newspapers Necessary?

Doonesbury has had a string of great strips lately on that antiquity, the newspaper.  To many younger people who are constantly online, newspapers seem old fashioned and ridiculously cumbersome.  I’ve been trying to clarify in my own mind why it’s just the opposite for me, why I’ve been fervently grateful for newspapers most of my life.

On Sunday mornings we get The New York Times, which certainly gives a broader and better perspective for the week than the Sunday Boulder Daily Camera.  Usually, as is the case today, we fold up beloved sections like “Week in Review” and “The New York Times Book Review” and stuff them in our backpacks prior to leaving the house.  Wherever we end up for coffee after our drive or walk, we have them handy and they can be guaranteed to offer up new ideas and happenings--information we do not know we don’t know.   

Today we sit outside Starbucks on Pearl Street in the perfect June air and M points out an article about the appalling idea of implanting e-books into one’s retina.  Presumably newspapers would also be available this way.  For someone like me who is still leery of considering laser surgery to correct my astigmatism, this seems beyond the pale.

Newspapers are more versatile than computers or e-books. You can read a newspaper anywhere and anytime you like, unencumbered by details like unavailability of free wireless Internet, lack of convenient power outlets, failing batteries or electrical equipment.  If you’re on a beach you can get smears of sunscreen sprinkled with sand and seagull droppings on your newspaper and really be none the worse for wear.  After you’ve finished reading the paper you can cut clippings from it to send to children in faraway cities or to be magnetically posted on the refrigerator door.

Long ago on humid summer nights in Indiana, those with the knowhow could shape and twist newspapers into loosely formed balloons and light them on the bottom edges.  The fire balloons would then gently lift and soar aloft, rising with the heat upward and upward into the dark night sky to be transformed into sparkling gold and black lace against the stars, with only the fireflies the wiser. 

If all else fails and you have no parakeets whose cages need lining or puppies who need emergency haven, you can recycle newspapers and they will live to see another day.

You can truly focus when reading a newspaper if you like, and not be lured to other links and obligations like checking your e-mail again or peeking to see if anybody likes you on Facebook. 

I will not go so far as to say newspapers are essential to my sense of wellbeing but with some good coffee in the morning, they do contribute positively.  Is this, then, an irreconcilable generation gap as the youth reads their news on the laptop screen each morning? To my broad blog readership, especially those under 25, I pose this question:  “Are newspapers necessary?

The Other Mother

He was 34 years old when he told her, to her great delight, that he was finally ready to have children. He presented a clear and written plan: there were to be two children; not one who would be lonely, not three who would be overwhelming. She would earn the money (since she’d shown a knack for it) and he would quit his job and stay home with the children, because this was an important job best not delegated. And in his “spare time,” he would write.

He learned a lot, fast. Childbirths were not in clearly defined stages as outlined by the Lamaze coach but instead were messy, hair raising and unpredictable affairs with nevertheless satisfactory conclusions. Fear that he would be too disgusted to change diapers evaporated as he became accustomed to this and other quotidian activities. He was astounded at the titanium strength of the bond that formed almost immediately once each child was born—a bond both painful and joyous at once.

His sleep problems worsened during the era of 2-hour feedings and the spare time for writing never seemed to arise—but there were other rewards and he persevered.

He soon developed a routine that worked, and stuck with it. One thing he remembers is how much he loved to read to the kids and how much they loved it too. He worked hard to make the house a home, plan and shop for the weekly menus, cook the meals, keep the kids and their clothes reasonably clean.

When she came home from long days at work he sometimes left her to bathe the children and read the bedtime stories, while he disappeared for hours at a stretch seeking the alone time he had sacrificed. The times to write became few and far between.

At one point he taught the kids to call him “Captain,” since he couldn’t bear to hear “Dad!” even once more. He helped find a good pre-school, helped later with homework, taught both kids how to cook, volunteered for field trips and in the computer lab at the elementary school, danced to Jimi Hendrix with tiny dancers in the kitchen, allowed games to be played with pots and pans, and supported kitchen chemistry experiments. He went to baseball, softball and basketball games. He set up piano lessons and insisted on practice sessions.  He had the kids track their allowance money and make budgets to give them a better appreciation for the value of money.  He insisted that chores be done each week and tracked progress in charts on the refrigerator door.

He encouraged both kids to work hard in school, to think and ask questions, to notice nature and take a strong interest in the sciences. He took the kids on boogie boards out to the reef at Panama City Beach and dove for sand dollars. And he made sure they had sunscreen on beforehand. He played catch, threw the Frisbee, taught them how to ride their bikes. He watch the movie “Mr. Mom” with more critical analysis than amusement: “What bozo doesn’t know how to run a vacuum cleaner?”

He provided support and a listening ear when the working mom had a bad day at the salt mines. The “role reversal” was a matter of mild interest to friends and of concern mixed with amazement to grandfathers, but was never really well understood outside the immediate family.

He never really took adequate credit for all he contributed to make two beautiful, intelligent, good-hearted children who I am grateful for every single day.

This is a tribute to the “other mother.” Happy Mother’s Day!

Wild Things

So I know you’re all asking yourselves, “Should I take my grownup to see ‘Where the Wild Things Are’?” I know you’re thinking, “My grownup enjoyed the book—we read it together often enough—but will the film version of the Maurice Sendak classic really be suitable for grownups?”

Spike Jonze’s back story on Max’s wildness got to me. Max is a lonely kid with a good but distracted mother, an older sister who breaks Max’s heart to be with her friends, and a father who’s left the family behind. This is a kid with overwhelming energy and emotions, but also a kid with great heart and a need for love and boundaries. After a particularly beastly scene with this mother, Max in his wolf suit sails off to a distant land where the wild things are and discovers several huge monsters, each with an oddly civilized name like Carroll, Douglas, Ira and Judy. Each wild thing plays out an emotion (feelings of anger, abandonment, alienation, shyness, regret, resentment, love, aggression) and they interact in all the ways a family does—meaning that they have great power to work together, help each other, and of course hurt and destroy each other as well.

Max convinces the wild things that he has special powers that make him uniquely suited to be their king, and they build a fantastic fort together.  The wild things are all parts of Max himself, as well as Max’s family, in a kind of Jungian fantasy. Where the wild things are, a mother’s love can literally swallow a boy whole to protect him and only reluctantly regurgitate him up again when the danger is past and he complains that he’s having trouble breathing.

The wild rumpus is great fun, but over time things become complicated as they will when various personalities and needs interact. It is harder to be king than Max had first imagined (after all, every prior king has eventually been eaten up by the wild things), aggressive war games end up causing pain, and in the end he realizes what he really needs and sails back home to have a late supper with his mother, who’s very glad to see him.

Ultimately this is a movie about almost everything that matters, so I do recommend it for discerning grownups. Would I say it is too dark or scary for kids? Maurice Sendak explains how he would answer this question in typically wild fashion: "I would tell them to go to hell. That's a question I will not tolerate ... If they can't handle it, go home. Or wet your pants. Do whatever you like. But it's not a question that can be answered."

All righty then.

Letter to Falcon

Dear Falcon (what a cool name),

For some reason I had the rare urge at work on Thursday morning to check the 9news.com website, and so I caught the breaking story about a 6-year-old boy on board an experimental aircraft drifting higher and higher into the air and away from his family’s Fort Collins home, with news and military helicopters in hot pursuit.

I kept an eye on the story throughout the next several hours, hoping desperately that you were okay and safe, and fearing the worst when I heard the news that the craft had landed, with no sign of you inside or nearby. Later in the day we all learned that you were alive and well and had been hiding in the garage attic of your house for the previous five hours, fearing your father’s anger about the escape of the untethered silver balloon.

Now we have what we call a media frenzy and you’re getting your “fifteen minutes of fame.” Some people are very angry with you and your family.

And Falcon, let me tell you right now that despite whatever crazy complications may end up being revealed about you and your family (and all families are complicated, by the way), my main response on hearing the truth continues to be great happiness and relief that you are safe and sound.

Questions are being raised—was this whole thing a hoax? Did your Mom and Dad talk you into it? I heard your father’s voice when he said, “he scared the heck out of us,” and I don’t think so. I think you were scared and you hid.

The whole thing made me remember a story from my own childhood when I was about your age. My Dad was well known in our small Indiana town for his eccentric hobbies, one of which was kite making. He handmade beautiful multi-colored box kites from tissue paper and balsa wood, and entered them in contests. Sometimes he also made gigantic kites, taller than he was. When he flew these very large kites they had quite a strong pull, and even a grown man had trouble hanging onto them sometimes. Dad would fly the kites for many days at a time and sometimes he even attached a small light before sending one up, and the kite would emit a mysterious, UFO-like glow after dark.

One windy day some neighborhood kids and I were curious, playing around the way kids do, testing the cord strength of the latest large kite which had been up in the air a record number of days. We were pulling on the line just a little and then letting it go to hear a certain very satisfactory twanging sound. But then, right before my horrified eyes, the nylon tether broke, and the kite fluttered loosely to the earth.

I knew my Dad would be very angry when he found out—so I climbed a ladder in the garage and hid up in the attic for a few hours. Unlike your own experience, no one really noticed my absence at all (back then kids were a lot less supervised than they are nowadays). Later, when my Dad came home and I got hungry for dinner I had to climb back down the ladder, get yelled at and face the music. And it’s hard to get yelled at by your Dad—anger and disappointment can be scary. Even when he was yelling, though, I pretty much knew my Dad loved me very much, and I’m hoping that’s true in your case too. Somehow, like the son of a guy from mythology called Icarus, you flew a little too close to the hot sun, the waxed wings your Dad made for you melted, and you fell to the earth—all from your dark little hiding place in the attic.

But this too shall pass, Falcon. Hang in there.

Pretty Little Feet

Each summer when we were young, my Mom’s mother would fly out from California for a few weeks to visit. We got to go to the airport (which had a very exciting ride called an “escalator”) to pick her up. To make room in the tiny Ellettsville house, my brother would move out of his room into the garage to sleep, the garage door rolled open to the summer air. I slept out there also to keep him company, and my mother made things cozy with an old oval rag rug, reading lamps, and late night snacks.

Granny, whose first name was the very old fashioned Hazel, would arrive with her small suitcase--a sturdy woman with silver-gray hair who without fail enjoyed a daily solitary morning walk through the neighborhood in her sensible size 9 shoes. She was a widow; my Grandpa had died when I was only two. Granny never raised her voice to us, and yet somehow even an expression of mild disappoint from her would bring us to despair, so we were always on our best behavior for her visits. If we behaved particularly well, we could expect to be treated to a Chinese restaurant dinner in Bloomington with fortune cookies and sherbert for dessert.

Once when I was sitting next to Granny on the couch with my bare feet propped up on a chair in front of me, she glanced down and said, “You have such pretty little feet,” a compliment that made me inexplicably happy. And despite the fact that I cannot claim any credit for the feet I was born with and the more prominent fact that my feet are less than extraordinary, I have never forgotten this positive comment. Forty-six years later as I look down at my enameled toes and lightly tanned feet each summer her words come back to me and give me a small measure of happiness—a great lesson in how much influence a single kindness can have on a child throughout his or her life.

Four

As I sit in the coffee shop a large, multi-generational and multi-ethnic family arrives and chaotically settles itself onto the outside patio. The family is mostly white but there is an Asian girl of about 10 with long black hair and thick glasses, and a beautiful Afro-American girl of about four with warm brown skin and bright eyes. She and her white sister about the same age hold hands as they find their seats; they are utterly adorable. I admire this family for giving these children a home and being open to diversity; they seem like a family worth knowing. All the children seem to get lots of hugs and attention.

The four year old is picked up by the older sister and held briefly, and I’m reminded of my sister Nell, seven years younger than I am. When she was that age, whenever she was asked any question she always responded by holding up four fingers and saying, “Four,” her age. So for quite awhile we all called her “Four.” She was the youngest of four children in the family, very cute with a pixie haircut and big brown eyes. She loved to ride piggy back and I would often carry her long distances on my back.

Four is a magical age. When Nell was four and I was eleven we were still living on Dewey Drive in Ellettsville and hadn’t yet moved to Sugar Lane. The three girls in the family shared a single bedroom, and there was only one bathroom in the little house.

In summer bands of kids freely roamed the little town with less to fear from strangers back then. We spent a large part of one summer digging deep holes under the gigantic sycamore in the back yard, and even dug recesses into their walls for little fireplaces, wisps of smoke rising from their separate earthen chimneys. Summer rains were bathwater warm. The water mixed with soil to form a rich brown soup that a child could convince herself was chocolate. Mud pies and thick concoctions of chocolate pudding and cake batter were poured from one container into another and baked in the sun.

The men in the neighborhood pooled their money and built a simple cement block swimming pool a few blocks away called the Turtleback Swim Club, and on many a hot summer evening my father could be persuaded to take us night swimming, the underwater pool lights shining mysteriously from the water’s depths. On cooler nights we would cling to the edge in the water near the lights for the small amount of heat they emitted. Back then, sometimes the chemicals weren’t right in the pool, but we swam in it anyway despite coffee colored water that turned our blonde hair a slightly green tinge. A four-year old could ride on her father’s shoulders and be tossed high into the air—could also pretend to be terrified at the bullet form of the father swimming swiftly underwater, grabbing her to toss her again high into the air or side with her in a splashing battle with the big boys.

Those summers, the creek nearby hosted minnows and crawdads which to their misfortune were sometimes captured and made into pets for awhile. A four year old was sometimes sent out with iced tea for the gardening father and rewarded with a taste of a lightly salted, sun-warmed tomato or green pepper.

Those were some of the good parts of being four. But don’t be fooled; there were terrors as well—a menacing older brother of ten who could spin out of control and other big boys rumored to kill baby birds and commit other acts of cruelty. The truth was, even then the world could be a complicated and scary place and nothing was quite what it seemed.

B

Mark and I were talking yesterday about the tattered condition of Shannon’s passport, his only form of id since he lost his driver’s license years ago. Mark said the passport is “like B,” which made me laugh uproariously. B was Shannon’s baby blanket, a gift to him as a newborn. It started out snowy white, with pale green satin edging. But it became baby Shannon’s most reliable solace, accompanying him everywhere, held next to his cheek as he fell asleep each night. Leaving B behind was not done, ever. Triple checks were made to ensure B was securely on board when we took road trips or flew to Indiana to visit Granny and Grandpa. Over time, B became gray and tattered, losing its satin edging. And B dwindled in size, shrinking to the size of a handkerchief, then smaller still to the size of a passport (hah!) and finally to the size of a postage stamp, at which point we convinced Shannon to part with B so we could put it away in a treasure box for safekeeping since it could so easily end up lost. Letting go of B was like Shannon’s passport to eventual independence.

Famous Blue Rocker

Twenty-three years ago I was large with my first child in the middle of a hot, dry Colorado summer. I lay on the couch in our toasty little Martian Acres home and tried not to moan too loudly; friends stopped by with white chocolate ice cream and words of comfort. The baby had stopped doing somersaults in my womb a few days ago and was now just writing his name on the wall every now and then – it was becoming increasingly apparent that, improbable as it might seem, he would be expecting to emerge soon through a very small aperture somewhere down below and currently out of my direct line of view.

My Mom had flown in from Indiana to lend moral support, and on the official due date of July 4 she, my husband and I drove up to Brainard Lake to allow me to gaze at the cool Arapahoe Peaks and lumber slowly along a path by the water, hoping the baby would be shaken and stirred into action. But the due date seemed destined to come and go with no trip to the hospital. That evening my brother came over to have dinner with all of us and later that night set off some very loud fireworks in the backyard. The sounds startled me into a hopping little tiptoe dance a lot like the dance of the hippos in Fantasia – and this is finally what did it. Later that night my water broke.

I sat quietly in the big blue rocker, waking no one yet, and timing the contractions. When they were 5 minutes apart, I woke up my husband, who blearily drove my Mom and me to the hospital along the previously agreed upon backstreet route, not that there was any traffic at 3 in the morning. In the hospital parking lot my husband and mother got out of the car and strode purposefully toward the ER, belatedly realizing I was moving kind of slow at the junction and hurrying back to hold my elbows and help me inside.


The legendary and fabulous OB-GYN nurses at Boulder Community sized me up, and then gave me a stern talking to – to get to 10 centimeters dilation I would have to walk. And up and down the halls I hobbled to keep the contractions going and get myself to the point where I was ready to deliver the baby. The doctor didn’t come until right before delivery time – but there were lots of jokes about this particular physician and his preference for the “little brown stool” he sat on during delivery. With my husband’s coaching and my mother’s quietly reassuring presence, I did the Lamaze breathing and was able to refuse the drugs. Many long hours later, around noon, our beautiful son was born, his alert little eyes looking right up at us in amazement we surely shared.

I only learned later that my husband had nearly gone into full crisis mode during the delivery. The doctor, ensconced on his little brown stool, had determined that the baby was head down as desired, but facing the wrong way, and had used a suction cup device to help pull our baby through the birth canal. When he pulled the suction cup off my son’s head after delivery, the red goo used to affix it looked like blood and my husband thought the top of the baby’s head had come off. In a few seconds he realized that everybody else in the delivery room was still calm and happy; luckily we had been blessed with a healthy and hungry baby boy.

The next day my son and I returned home tired but triumphant, and I found great comfort in taking our first few naps together in the famous blue rocker. Happy birthday, Shannon!

The Slackline of Life

Yes you who must leave everything that you cannot control.
It begins with your family, but soon it comes around to your soul.
Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned:
When you're not feeling holy, your loneliness says that you've sinned.

"Sisters of Mercy" - Leonard Cohen

In any relationship, there can be such a precarious, hovering balance between feeling trapped and feeling abandoned. Walking life’s slackline and holding onto love for a lifetime, one must somehow be independent of the person who is loved, and yet remain connected. And the idea that you can control what happens to you is an illusion—all you can control is how you respond. So it boils down to a series of choices between love and fear—fear that the one I love will turn away from me or trap me; abandon me or take away my freedom.

You can only choose love over fear if you can find it in yourself to believe in love, and love can seem so ephemeral (“if you’re not feeling holy, your loneliness says that you’ve sinned”). I remember once many years ago a co-worker and friend of mine tried to talk to me about the “L” word--the central importance of love in all our lives. It was as if she spoke another language—I wasn’t ready to hear those ideas yet.

Fear and love aren’t opposites, but I think of them together; one is the answer to the other. Stuffing fear doesn’t work, it just creates a smoldering volcano of feelings. I do know that when I’m feeling emotional pain and I stop to focus on the present moment, accepting whatever I find in that moment, I am immediately more peaceful.

An interesting twist is that sometimes strong feelings of love generate fear in me—fear of losing what makes me most happy. My life partner creates beautiful flower gardens, and I’m torn between enjoying the beauty he’s created, and fearing a day when he may no longer be able to do it. In fact, when he was not well for awhile last year and the flowers went unplanted and untended, that was one of my greatest sorrows and my fear was reinforced.

When I struggle against the truth that nothing lasts forever and all things must pass, I feel fear and a terrible grief; I lose the present and the chance to enjoy what I do have. Remembering to be right here, right now and love the moment helps – “nothing that is real can be destroyed”—do I understand that idea finally?

For myself, the fear of abandonment is the greatest—I mould myself to fit the desires of the person I’m with “because it is easier,” I tell myself, but really because I am secretly afraid they’ll turn away from me given half a chance. In truth, even strong (and quite uncharacteristic) outbursts of rage on my part have resulted in shockingly few changes in other people. People change only when they are ready, not as a result of anything I do.

Love does have indirect influence—the presence of love, asking nothing in return, can bring peace and comfort to those around you—I remember this from parenting challenges with teenagers a few years ago. I have a feeling the biggest influence was my love for them, keeping the lines of communication open so that whatever else happened they knew I loved them.

The lessons all seem to weave together to make the pattern. The path is much more spacious each time I choose love, not fear.

The Tinsel Controversy

It is surprisingly hard to get a good picture of a Christmas tree. This year our tree looks perfect to us (more perfect than usual) – just the right balanced shape and very beautiful. It is very fresh, smells wonderful, and soaks up lots of water from the stand each day. We are not proponents of the decorator Christmas tree with all matching ornaments in a single color, but more into the kind with the ornaments dating back many years. Some of the ornaments were handcrafted by us one year with friends on Boulder's Marine Street in a pre-child era; we stirred up a batch of clay-like substance, made our shapes, baked them, and then painted them. We still have several to this day made by friends we see each Christmas at the caroling party.

Other ornaments, each with their memories, were bought over time, or sent by grandparents to our children. Minnie and Mickey Mouse were sent from Indiana by my mother many years ago when my son was still young enough to be so excited on Christmas morning that sleeping late was absolutely not an option, and my daughter was a baby who also frowned upon late mornings. These ornaments still bear my mother’s neat, fifth grade school teacher handwriting on the backs: “From Granny and Grandpa, Christmas 1988.”

My husband likes the kind of ornaments that reflect prismed light, and we all spend a certain amount of time positioning these ornaments near lights on the tree.

This year we had quite a quandary about tinsel. The tree seemed to look very beautiful without it, and we thought long and hard, but in the end we placed the tinsel on the tree once more. Accordingly to tradition and theory it is carefully distributed one strand at a time. In reality there is a wild frenzy of tinsel throwing and messy clumping that must later be straightened out by the compulsive among us.

I learned recently that a good friend of mine also has the tinsel controversy at her house every year, and I suspect it is much more common than can be imagined.

Mother's Day 2007

A Boulder Camera editorial by Juliana Forbes, co-founder of a group called “Mothers Acting Up” (MAU), has reminded me of the origins of Mother’s Day.

It was Julia Ward Howe’s idea, right at the end of the devastating American Civil War in 1870. Why couldn’t mothers band together to “interfere” in matters such as war, when it is mothers who understand best the terrible waste of human life represented by these conflicts?

It is true – Mother’s Day was not invented by Hallmark Card, but by a mother who wanted to make a difference. MAU urges all mothers (and others) to “reclaim Mother’s Day.”

My own Mom acted up in her own way from time to time. She was a 5th grade teacher in rural Indiana at a school with mostly female teachers, a male supervisor and a school board run by men (surprise) in the 50s, 60s and 70s. And guess what, sometimes she had to argue for the right thing for teachers, kids and the school, risking her job. Sometimes there were kids living on the back country roads in dire circumstances, without the basics of cleanliness or food. Classes were overcrowded, and there were few services to help kids at risk with mental illness or family challenges. Once we took in a little girl for a few weeks while her own mom was in jail. The little girl slept in my room each night, and I would get up and get Mom who would come in to give hugs and comfort.

My mom was a pleasant woman with a dry sense of humor who rarely engaged in open conflict, and yet she had a way of getting you to do what she wanted a lot of the time. As a grandmother when I had my first baby, she was there with Mark and me all through labor and childbirth, offering no advice unless asked first, just adding her quiet strength and comfort.

Here she is in the hospital room holding Shannon right after he was born--if she looks a little tired it is probably because it was around 1 in the afternoon, and she had been up since 3 am the night before. Mom's been gone for nearly 9 years now, but to this day she is an inspiration to me.

Happy Mother's Day.