Coaching My Inner Critic

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft. I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it.”

― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

As I struggle to produce even the first step per Lamott (a shitty first draft), a friend advises me:  "Lose the inner critic."  My sister teaches creativity workshops in which she strongly encourages her students to "dare to suck."  I was once in an improv jam session with her in which the primary theme, sung and danced with a blues motif, was all about daring to suck.

All the self help books in the world tell you to be aware of the voice of your inner critic so you won't inadvertently censor your every move.  In fact, that's not enough.  I think you have to be acutely aware, and then write down every word verbatim for awhile, every word that nasty little bastard is whispering in your ear. 

"No sense in even starting to write that blog/novel/poem--you know it won't be any good."

"No one will read it"

"You have nothing interesting to say."

"It's a waste of time!"

Then close your eyes and perhaps imagine that a school teacher has said those things to your kid. Now do you feel your talons unsheathing, ready to fight back?

Since the inner critic is really a part of me and probably does have some useful insights, I'm wondering if I can coach him to be more constructive.  If I model the constructive approach for him, next time the negativity sets in, it might go something like this:

My inner critic:  You're just not creative enough to come up with new ideas.

Me:  You know, we need to talk.  You're not helping.

IC:  Hey, it's tough love.  Somebody has to keep you honest.

Me:  All this negative talk just shuts me down creatively and I can't even muster up the guts to suck.

IC:  Well, as I was telling another one of my clients...

Me:  Clients?!  You harangue other people this way too?

IC:  Sure--my genius is relevant everywhere.  This other client is in an African dance class.  She just loves this class and has gotten some compliments about her dancing. At the end of each session, the drummers drum wildly and a dance circle forms where one dancer at a time can prance to the center and show her best moves.  My client would just love to enter the dance circle.  So far I've protected her from making a fool out of herself by sucking. She goes home each week after class sad, but safe and sound, unembarrassed.

 Me:  But she's miserable.  Each week she regrets not having the courage to enter the circle, you bozo!

IC:  Not worth the risk.  She's not perfect, you know.  She'd just disappoint herself and everybody else and we can't have that happen.

Me:  Look, I don't know about the dancer, but I need a change.  From now on, if you can't say something constructive, don't say anything at all.  Otherwise I'm going to switch channels and stop listening to you altogether, got it?

IC:  You're a coward!  You can't take the truth. If you're that sensitive, you'll never get anywhere anyway.

Me:  There you go again!  I'm shutting you down.  Every time you say something negative I'm going to block it, and think of trees instead, since I'm quite fond of trees.  They're beautiful and they produce oxygen, essential for breathing...

IC:  Trees!  What a stupid...

Me:  ...Oak.  Pine.

If:  ...stupid...

Me:  Sycamore.  Sassafras.  Breathe.

IC:

Me:  You know, I'll take constructive criticism...

IC:  You wouldn't know constructive criticism if it bit you in the...mmf.  Bmf.

Me:  Look, since you're part of me, we both have my best interests at heart, right?

IC:  Right, but you don't want your blog to suck, right?

Me:  True.  But right now I'm working on what Anne Lamott calls a "shitty first draft" for my blog. Just getting my ideas down in some form, knowing nobody will ever read it in this form.  It doesn't have to be perfect.  Really.  If you have something helpful to say, I might let you help me edit it later.

IC:   You know you get wordy.

Me:  I know.  We can polish it together.  Later.  Once the first draft is done.

IC:  Okay, if you ever conquer your laziness long enough to finish the boring first dr...   Mmf.  Bmf.

Me:  ....Maple.  Boab.  Eucalyptus.  Ginkgo.  Boojum.  Avoid using words like lazy and boring.

IC:  You said shitty. 

Me:  I'm allowed to call it a shitty first draft--you're not.

IC:  Looks like you've got a good start.  As soon as you finish the first draft, which I'm confident you will, I'm convinced it'll meet your shitty standards and I'll be right here, ready to help.

Me:  Better.   You can do this.  Meanwhile, go tell that other client of yours that she's a beautiful dancer who deserves her spot in the sun, and in the dance circle. 

Christmas Letter 2007

hen a person is expected to come up with a Christmas letter under a strict deadline, that person has to take her inspiration as it comes. As I lay on my back on the family room floor with the Styrofoam tube under my spine doing my chiropractor-recommended exercises, with Emily the cat sitting on my stomach purring loudly and reflexively digging her claws into my chest, inspiration struck.

However, it is not really a blow-by-blow account of our family’s year that I want to write about (although there would certainly be some drama in that), but rather how profoundly grateful I am that we are all still going strong as the year ends. Anne Lamott says the two best prayers she knows are: “Help me, help me, help me” and “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” I’ve said both of these a lot this year.

Okay, I can’t resist a little recap. Happily, Caitlin and Shannon are both living on their own in rentals but attending CU in Boulder now, so I get to see them almost any time I like and they are often over for Sunday dinner. In fact, last weekend Caitlin helped me put up the outdoor lights, including the brand new, politically correct LED lighted doe and stag in brilliant blue. The stag’s antlers are poorly designed and he has trouble consistently standing up straight, whereas the doe is steady, stalwart (i.e. boring), and has not given anyone a lick of trouble. Who knew?

Caitlin is doing quite well with her classes this fall and working hard toward a degree in Biochemistry. Ironically, she's living in a house on another part the same street she grew up on in South Boulder. Shannon turned 21 in July and is pursuing a degree in Integrative Physiology. He also has a new job working at a restaurant on Pearl Street. He’s climbing a lot and really enjoys his membership at a local climbing gym called The Spot.

Mark put up the inside decorations last night and got three poinsettias today, so things are looking pretty festive both inside and out. Mark’s doing great, by the way, watching a Denver Nuggets game as I write this. He is still smarting from a severe trouncing I just gave him at 9-ball in The Foundry, Boulder’s local pool hall. Tonight the hall was packed with people in a billiards tournament, a situation that makes me a little shy as I attempt to take my shots without being in anybody’s way or revealing too blatantly my own inability to consistently make bank shots (although I get lucky once in awhile).

Did I mention I got a digital camera about a year ago and have been trying to figure out how to use it ever since? It has been a lot of fun, actually.

The company where I work is doing very well and shooting for their first $1B year with good prospects. I had the opportunity in September to travel on business to visit two groups that I manage in China and Singapore. The visit was productive and I got to be a tourist one Sunday in Xi’an.

Christmas letters are often not read beyond the first page (or perhaps the first paragraph) and I’ve already exceeded that, so I had better wind this up.

To all of you from all of us we wish you the merriest of holidays and best wishes for a happy and healthy 2008.