Loops

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about loops—defined particularly as circular repetitive thoughts in my head that cause anguish and prevent joy. In my case it is a loop-the-loop, really. The two loops are: 1) how can I keep the people I love happy and 2) how can I keep the people I love safe (read: alive). Yes, these are both noble thoughts in moderation, but the loop-the-loop comes in when I obsess on them. These people I love—they are all grownups now, so it is primarily (or solely) their job to keep themselves happy and safe. By the ways, sometimes the happy/safe goals are in conflict; just ask my 21-year-old rock-climbing devil-may-care son if you don’t understand this.

And so, I spend a lot of time in the loop-the-loop coming up with new schemes for keeping the people I love happy and safe. And many of these schemes are irrelevant, impractical, invasive, inconvenient, impossible, idiotic, irrational, ill-advised, or some other word beginning with “i.” So…here are the top ten ways to get out of an unproductive mental loop, or for the really unfortunate, a loop-the-loop:

Top 10 Ways to Escape a Loop

10. Switch to another line of thinking or get a new perspective. Change the subject. This is the basic principle behind “The Work” and “Feeling Good” or CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) – see previous blogs on this. However, make sure the new line of thinking is not another loop.
9. Argue with the loop. Counter the loop. Find the flaws. Another principle behind “The Work” and “CBT” – but be sure the argument does not itself become a new, even more obsessive loop.
8. Do something physically demanding that requires effort and concentration to stop the loop. Clean out the fridge. Dig up the dandelions.
7. Write the loop down, and keep writing about it until the pain of writer’s cramp distracts you from the loop and you start to see beyond it.
6. Do something mentally demanding that requires enough concentration to stop the loop. A timed game of Scrabble is one example – have I mentioned Scrabulous lately?
5. Have a conversation with someone else (but not about your loop!). Really listen to them, even if it is about their loop, for a while. But don’t try to fix them or their loop, especially if that tendency is part of your loop.
4. Read a really good book (for example, murder mysteries and the Harry Potter books work well for me).
3. See a really good movie, preferably one in which people are not dwelling unproductively on their loops (perhaps the latest Indiana Jones movie – Roger Ebert loved it).
2. Perform a random act of kindness for a stranger. Pay it forward.
1. And the number one way you can get out of your loop – be aware that you are in a loop to begin with (this is the hardest part). Hint: if people are telling you that you are in a loop or mentioning concepts like broken records when in conversation with you, this is a strong indication that you are in a loop.

Comments? What is your loop? What is your last act of random kindness? (If you can’t remember, it’s been too long.)

How I Stay Sane, Part III - Feeling Good

Once during a therapy session I was asked what my goal for therapy was. “I just want to consistently feel good about myself,” I said. Easier said than done sometimes.

The book “Feeling Good” by David D. Burns, M.D. talks about the voices in your head. You know, the nasty little whispers and mutters about how you’re going to fail, you always fail, because you’re an impostor who inexplicably fell into this role of responsibility, certainly not because you earned it or know what you are doing, and everybody thinks you’re in over your head, etc. etc. etc.

Dr. Burns writes about a concept called “Cognitive Therapy.” The idea is that you can change how you feel by noticing and altering your thinking patterns. In particular, he recommends that you focus on forms of “distorted thinking.” For example, it is one thing to acknowledge that you have failed in some way (and ideally learn from the mistake and move on)—it is quite another to make the leap that you are a failure and to label yourself as a failure. This kind of exaggerated, catastrophic thinking is guaranteed to make you feel bad. If you can first recognize these types of feelings and then argue yourself out of them, you are on the way to feeling good.

Another kind of distorted thinking is “mind reading” – when you are sure that a friend, family member or co-worker is angry with you, or disappointed in you, or sad because of you, with no real evidence of this.

One of the ones I am an expert at is personalization – where I blame myself for things not in my realm of responsibility and take on ownership for all manner of things that have nothing to do with me. In other words, it is all about me – I knew it, I knew it.

Not only does Dr. Burns go over each of these types of “cognitive distortions,” but also he discusses in great detail, with lots of practical suggestions and worksheets, and stories and examples, how to fight off these “automatic thoughts” with rational responses – what I think of in my own case as “talking back to myself.” I strongly recommend this book – it has made a big different in how I respond to events in my life.