When, after a night of screaming and denial of such comforts as supper, water and bathroom breaks, the daughter finally manages to play the piece correctly, she is so thrilled and happy with her achievement that she comes to her mother's bed to cuddle.
According to Amy Chua, Chinese mothers don't allow activities like sleepovers or watching TV--ever. All the more time to focus on the goal of perfect A's in all subjects (gym and drama exempted) and mastery of either piano or violin (no other choices allowed).
Western mothers, on the other hand, are overly focused on their child's self-esteem and don't possess the same unshakeable belief in the resiliency and strength of their children. They want to help each child find her true passion but, for the sake of a kid's happiness or self esteem, are unwilling to push and shove their kids past the inevitable early difficulties when learning a new concept or skill.
In the end Chua does show some balance in her viewpoints on parenthood, concluding with the comment that all decent parents act out of love for their children despite their different parenting styles. She says:
"Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away."
The above conclusion rings true for me in my own observations of the contrasts in the two cultures, but why can't these goals be combined by applying a balance of approaches to parenting, based on the kid and the situation on the ground? One size does not fit all; sometimes strict discipline is the right tool and at other times letting go and allowing a kid to stumble and learn from the consequences can be the better path. You've gotta play it as it lays, because parenting is much harder than blindly following one set of rules.
Parents, kids - what do you think?
3 comments:
Thanks for posting this. I am way open to parenting advice now that I am the new stepmother to teenagers. Luckily, they do their homework pretty diligently and I have had fun helping from time to time. I am convinced that math has taken a turn for the worse since I was in eighth grade.
Both Math and Science seem way more complex than I remember. I don't think I was much help to my kids with their homework beyond middle school. I think just providing the environment where there's a quiet period without TV and it's expected that homework will be happening is really good.
I am forced to amend this blog, now that I've finally actually read the book. What I discovered was that the Amy Chua's book is written with exceptional insight and the kind of humor that comes from taking your own situation to an extreme--she's able to laugh at her own excesses and exaggerations. In the end she also recognizes that one size does not fit all when it comes to the extraordinary challenges of good parenting. Just in time, she proves herself open to new approaches after all. Do not judge this book by the comments of critics who have not read it--read it for yourself and make your own call.
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